The kidnapping of Santana Lopez
by neverhappy10
Summary: Totally random oneshot. Because over and over again. All dialogue. Continued because writing in dialogue is fun.
1. Chapter 1

"Let's all give a great big, New Direction style welcome to our newest member, miss Brittany Pierce."

"May I suggest a song-"

"No, Rachel, I meant we should just clap and make her feel welcome. Save the songs for Sectionals."

"Oh, well in that case, as the best soloist and therefore the leader of the New Directions-"

"The nude erections."

"Thank you, Noah. As I was saying, my name is Rachel Berry and let me just say that it's an honor to have the first female student body president joining our humble group. We're a family here, albeit one that dates each other, but I'm sure you'll find that this is one of the most fun clubs in the school."

"I'm Sam."

"Puckersaurus, at your service."

"I'm Finn Hudson, Rachel's boyfriend."

"He's my fiance, actually. It was a very romantic proposal."

"Yes, we all know, because you've told us about a thousand times and counting. I'm Kurt, and _I'm_ the best singer here, but ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm the least annoying. Unlike _somebody_."

"It's actually only seven hundred and seventy-three times, to be exact. I'm Tina, and this is Mike, my boyfriend."

"We're not related."

"The name's Mercedes Jones, but you would've found out soon enough anyway. I'm getting out of here as soon as I graduate. Broadway is going to have my name all over it."

"You already know me, Brit, I'm in your squad, and I'm the reason you joined Glee."

"Hey Quinn, hey everyone. I'm Brittany."

"Ok, you can take a seat now. Alright guys, this week's assignment-"

* * *

><p>"Santana, right? Santana Lopez? Valedictorian?"<p>

"Is that supposed to impress me? That you know my name? Because you've already won that joke of an election. By the way, I didn't vote for you. Why are you even here? Don't you have a million boyfriends on the football team to tend to?"

"Quinn asked me to join with her, so I did."

"Great story."

"Why are you here?"

"It'd be a great addition to my application, plus Mr Schue writes great recommendation letters."

"Where are you applying?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I've got my eye on Amherst, Vassar and Columbia."

"Cool. Have you gotten in?"

"Results aren't until April. Listen, if you want somebody to help with your applications, why don't you go to the school advisor or something, I don't have all day and daddy's money to get into college like you."

"No, I'm good. I do want to know if you're free though."

"Look, just because I'm the only lesbian in this pathetic excuse for a high school, doesn't mean I want to sleep with any girl that asks, especially you."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No, I'm not free, sorry."

"Ok, then we'll be quick. I'll drive."

* * *

><p>"This is kidnapping. I'm calling the police."<p>

"My dad's the chief, and my mom's the best lawyer in the whole state. Didn't see you panicking much in the convertible."

"So what, you're gonna murder me? Because if ransom's what you're looking for, then you're barking up the wrong tree here."

"I need some advice."

"Go to a counselor. I'm sure Ms Pilsbury has a pamphlet suitable for whatever it is you're going through in your tough little life."

"I think I like girls."

"Good for you, now can I go? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow and I don't intend to lose valedictorian thanks to your quarter life crisis."

"Go out with me."

"How about...no. I have standards."

"Do you know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes right now?"

"Hmm, last time I checked, I didn't have a penis. Also, I don't care."

"And how many dates with girls have _you_ been on, exactly?"

"That's none of your business."

"The only number I heard in that was 'none', so I'm gonna assume that's your answer."

"I'm not an experiment. I'm not some car you're picking out for your 18th birthday gift that you can just take out for a test drive."

"No, you're beautiful."

"Ohh, smooth. So I'm just supposed to fall madly in love with you now? Like half the football and basketball team?"

"I haven't slept with any of them, if that's what you're implying."

"Wouldn't have cared if you had."

"One date, then I'll leave you alone."

"You'll never bother me again for the rest of this year?"

"I'll never bother you again for the rest of this year."

* * *

><p>"I don't know why I'm here. Oh, that's right, you kidnapped me and forced me to go out with you, like some psychopath."<p>

"The ceviche here is awesome. I always order it whenever I come here."

"When are we done?"

"You know what, let's take this to go, this place is stuffy."

"Are you gonna gag and put a bag over my head this time?"

"Maybe, if you keep doing this."

"Doing what? Bored with your new toy already? Good thing for you, I'm fully returnable."

"Not without your clothes, you won't be."

* * *

><p>"What do you think you're doing?"<p>

"What does it _look_ like I'm doing? Aren't you supposed to be super smart?"

"I'm pretty sure this is called sexual harassment, along with your kidnapping as well."

"Right, and you were moaning out of pain five seconds ago."

"For all you know I could've been."

"Oh my God, is that a- is that an actual non-scowl expression on Santana Lopez's face? Do I need glasses? Is there something wrong with the lighting here? It's the weird moonlight, isn't it?"

"Yes, it probably is."

"That's what I thought."

"You know, for a stuck up blonde cheerleader, you're not too bad."

"Well, for being Santana Lopez, you aren't too bad yourself."

"I'll consider that a compliment."

"Please do. How did you manage to unzip my dress so quickly, anyway?"

"That wasn't me. There's probably something wrong with the zipper."

"On a thousand dollar, custom-made dress? Probably."

"What time is it, anyway?"

"Right now? One am."

"Seriously? We spent the whole night together?"

"No, we haven't, but night's not over yet."

"Two days ago you were all hesitant and shy, telling me you think you like girls. Now you're blatantly making passes at me. Fast learner."

"Don't try and change the subject. I want you. I've wanted you since the start of high school."

"Patience is a virtue, Brittany."

"Nothing I'm thinking about is the slightest bit virtuous."

"Should've thought of that before you spent three years making me despise you."

"I was trying to impress you."

"Good job with the kidnapping, then."

"Hey, it worked, did it not?"

"It did."

"So I guess now's the perfect time to lean in and kiss you, huh?"

"Yeah, Brit, now would be the perfect time for you to lean in and kiss me."

"Happy Valentines Day to _me_."


	2. Chapter 2

"So I was wondering..."

"Yeah?"

"You know, about the, um, the prom."

"What about it?"

"Oh, just, you know, I've never been a big fan of the whole prom night thing. Buying expensive dresses, taking 5 hours to get ready and then showing up to the school's gym to awkwardly stand around drinking punch that the football team's spiked, thinking they're so badass. If I wanted alcohol I'd go to a bar where stripping isn't considered the norm, thanks very much."

"Same here. The only reason I ever go is because as student body president, I'm like, legally required to be there. I actually hate it."

"Yeah, me too."

"Last time I was there, I danced with everybody else's dates."

"That must've been fun."

"It was alright. It's just that I think these things are only fun when you have somebody to go with. But look around, which one of these people would I go with, anyway? The guys that only want to show me off to their friends then get into my pants at the end of the night?"

"How sexist of you. What about these fine ladies we have English with? Or maths?"

"And history?"

"Oh God no, those bitches can rot in hell for all I care."

"San, you're still salutatorian, and you got a full scholarship from Columbia."

"So? That bitch got into Harvard, Brit. Harvard. For all we know she might be a devoted Kim Jong Il worshiper or something, like one of those super smart North Korean spies. What if she blows up the whole of Massachusetts?"

"Lucky you'll be in New York then."

"Lucky _you'll_ be in New York, miss 'Juilliard couldn't wait to offer me a spot next year'."

"I got lucky."

"Not yet, but you probably will later tonight."

"Wanky."

"Yeah...it doesn't work when you say it."

"Why are you the only one who's allowed to say it? Have you got it copyrighted?"

"Because I said so, and yes."

"So you were saying something about prom?"

"Right, yeah. What time shall I pick you up?"

"First of all, how very romantic of you. Second of all, what makes you so sure I'd want to go with you? I've had about 5 offers already."

"Oh, I don't know, either you get dressed up, arrive at our school in a limo, dance, have all eyes in the room on you and you alone. Wanting to be you. Wanting to be with you. Then half an hour of you staring at me later, we'll get out of there. Or, we could just skip the whole thing altogether. Your choice, Brit."

"You're just so sweet, aren't you."

"I don't know, am I? You tell me."

"Stop staring at me like that."

"I'm not doing anything."

"No. Nuh uh, it's not gonna be that easy, Santana."

"You know you're gonna say yes."

"I hate you."

"So shall we say seven?"

"If you want me, you're gonna have to come get me."

"And how exactly do I do that?"

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out."

"It's in seven days."

"Hurry up, then."

"Who are you texting?"

'_I have nothing to say, really. Just wanted your phone to vibrate. - B'_

* * *

><p>"Is that a...room key? You got a room key? Confident much."<p>

"Hey, I worked hard for a whole week straight."

"Remember when you ran around the school half naked and-"

"Yes, very much so. No need to remind me."

"I didn't know you were that hot that you had to take your clothes off."

"Ha-ha, I am dying with laughter."

"I think Finn drooled a little."

"Ruining the mood."

"Right, sorry."

"You guys didn't do a half bad job with the place, looks nice."

"Thanks."

...

"You wanna get out of here?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but we only just got here. You put so much effort into this."

"I could say the same about that room key..."

"Not even half an hour. I underestimated myself."

"You know what they say, the best dresses are meant to be taken off, and yours is phenomenal."

"Stop. Stop doing _that_. Or we won't even make it back to the car, let alone the hotel."

"Guess what I'm wearing under this."

"I'm gonna go out on a limb and say 'nothing'."

"You _are_ super smart."


End file.
